walk into the ring like whaddup, I got a big trot.
I’m so pumped about some stuff from the tack shop
It got better. You perfect human being.
Ice on the brow band is so damn frosty, people like “damn, that’s a cold as donkey.”
Strollin’ in, hella chic, headin’ to the judge at c
Dressed in all white, ‘cept my winning shoes, those are gold
Omg the last part doesn’t even make sense :p
Sweatin’ in my shad-coat, ponies standin’ next to me,
Pro’lly shoulda memorized my test, looks like I’ll be placing lasssssssssssssssssst.
But shit, this show was paid by my ‘rents!
I be trottin’ it, walkin’ it, bout to go and get some judge’s comments,
Passin’ up on those seconds someone else can place in ‘em.
imma take ya braided style, imma take ya plaited style, no fo real, ask ya groom, can i have his braiding comb?
All my athletes are like this!!
Its been almost a month since I have come home and a little over two since I left. I have so many emotions, thoughts and things in my head that I think its time i let out so I can really start to move on and move forward.
I am angry. Angry at myself for the situation im in, and im not saying that this emotion is rational in any way, because it isn’t. actually most of my emotions at the moment don’t feel rational. I don’t feel rational. I had a thought today that I think really sums up most of my feelings at this time in my life.
I was on my way to visit with Dave and Brenda in the city, and I decided I was going to get off at a different T stop after i realized that the normal one i get off was packed!! with people from a red sox game. I ended up coming up in the middle of the financial district. And just like my detour from Kansas, I have popped up back at home- but somehow lost. So here I am trying to find my bearings in this new area that I am unfamiliar with, and I see this building. I don’t know the name of if but I recognize it instantly, and know that dave and brenda’s building is very close to it, so I will just follow this building and walk towards that. But every time i walk down a street towards this building- like a beacon, I keep finding myself now where any closer to it. So I keep walking, finding myself still feeling like I am heading in the general direction- but not getting any closer. I feel like I know what I want- the direction I want to go in- work or school ( i’ll even take a very general direction) but no matter what I do, days pass, Im still walking and not anywhere closer to this beacon. So Im angry and frustrated and feeling almost numb. I feel totally lost because for the first time in my life I know what I want and cant’ seem to get any closer to getting it.
I wonder if this is how new grads feel at first. This transition where they are just dangling in mid air, and dont know when or how to drop and get going. I am also lonely, and heartbroken. I still think about him everyday, and my anger continues in this direction as well. I shouldn’t have to think about him or miss him, because of reasons A-Z, but I do. And as strange as this sounds and for all the big reasons why I left Kansas,… I miss pieces of it- or maybe what it held for me- new possibilities and excitement. And that big sky and miles of fields. God I miss seeing that. I didn’t get to hold on to it long enough. But I don’t think it is really Kansas I miss- its what it represented in my head. I was getting this great job (lie but oh well) and moving closer to the man i loved- (that blew up as well) and taking this huge leap- I was proud of myself. That’s it. I was so proud of myself and what I was going to do. The steps I was taking in this new part of my life. And now… i don’t feel proud. I feel angry, and hurt and heartbroken, and lost, and frustrated and numb. If someone asked me if I was happy with where I am in my life at this moment I would shout NO! And I know this isn’t forever… not even close. And things will change- because they always do. But for now I am still trying to get to that damn building in the middle of boston and not getting any closer.
Maybe I need a map.